Struggling with Faith - Revisited

At the risk of this forum becoming a form of counselling session for me, I thought I would return to the subject of doubt. Last summer in this space I admitted that I was struggling with the evolution versus creation thing. A friend gave me a book (Creation or evolution: do we have to choose? by Denis Alexander¹) and I am happy to report that it helped me immensely – I felt closer to my creator, lighter, freer (the book may not have the same effect on you; share prices can go down as well as up / always read the label etc etc). But doubt still lurks in the shadows.

 

As I sat in church one Sunday morning, being impressed by the genuine passion of the preacher, I caught myself thinking “but what if even he/she is wrong? What if Christianity isn’t true?”. I didn’t take it any further. I just logged the fact that I asked myself the questions. I then watched the History of Christianity series and remember being impressed by the fact that Christianity was the world’s largest religion – but caught myself asking “but what if this is just a delusion on a massive scale?” and “why so many other religions?”. Maybe this is nothing more than healthy questioning, or an over-active mind, but the doubt is annoying. I would prefer to be doubt-free.

 

My wife also bought me a book (I have occasionally bought my own reading material) – and that too blessed me². It took me on a journey on which I was able to see that I did not consider God as my loving Father, more of a slightly distant, somewhat stern Father. As I considered my relationship with my now late father, of whom I had always spoken highly and fondly, it became clear that there was a wound there. The short version of the story is that I was conscious of God doing an amazing healing work. It prompted me to make a journal entry – 1 of only 3 entries for 2009! – in which I wrote “I am not sure I have ever felt such a strong feeling of God’s presence and his utter love for me”. Powerful stuff.

 

So what’s with the doubt? And how can faith and doubt co-exist? I don’t know the answer to these questions. I guess I must learn to become comfortable with that, and in the meantime just keep journeying…

 

 

¹    See Amazon for some good book reviews. My quick review would be ‘a fairly hard read unless you are au fait with genetics, but an excellent bridge between science and religion’